Hard truths and open fail ? PMS:PostModernSingle

So, I think my stance on open relationships is pretty unambiguous. Open relationships are based on flawed premises and don?t really ever seem to work out.?I?ve discussed it a few times with my therapist (D) and he?s told me that in his experience, personally and professionally, he tends to agree with me.*

So, back to me. During my last session I was trying to describe how from my point of view, RockDaddy and I weren?t just FWBs. It was intentionally about attachment and allowing myself to develop feelings for him. I?ve done the FWB phase and it was what I needed at the time and worked. I was ready for more. I wasn?t ready for the whole nine-yard LTR.?There should be room for something in between. Attachment without full commitment.

D: ?I don?t think there is a middle ground, [PMS]. I think you need to listen to yourself and hear that what you?re saying is you want a monogamous long-term relationship.?

Me: ?It may be what I want but it?s not what I feel I can offer anyone at this time. I can?t commit to being around a year from now or even two months from now. I need to focus on making decisions based on what I need right now and am not ready to make decisions for two again. But I want more than casual sex. I want companionship. I want intimacy. I want to feel something for someone. I just can?t commit nor could RockDaddy for his own reasons.?

D: ?So, it was an open relationship??

Me: ?What? No! Not at all. It was more like FWB without restricting attachment. It seems to make sense that two people allow themselves to feel attached but agree that they both still need to work in their own best interest.?I know there are risks to getting attached to someone when you can?t commit to them and they can?t commit to you but don?t you run that risk even if you?re intention is an LTR? At least this way we?re honest about the inevitability of things coming to an end.?

D: ?Attachment doesn?t work that way. It?s not about making sense of it and controlling it and making rules around it. Once attachment is in the picture, it?s a different game.?

Fuckity fuck fuck. He?s right. You can?t just add attachment onto FWB or just subtract commitment from a serious relationship. Attachment and commitment are a package deal if you don?t want it to fall apart. And fuck, he?s right it was an open relationship.?How on earth did anti-open relationship me find myself in an open-relationship??I have all the theory in my head and still didn?t clue into the fact that it?s the situation I put myself in.

Now, to be fair, it is different. This wasn?t a crash and burn fail like most of the open relationship stories I?ve heard. The attachment was at a smaller scale appropriate (I thought) to our configuration. But my fundamental argument holds true. Casual and attachment are antithetical. You cannot have attachment work with a casual self-first attitude. That?s not to say there?s anything wrong with either of the two conditions, attachment and casual. They just can?t coexist. They conflict with each other.

I guess that?s what RockDaddy realized. He wants casual but he?s gotten attached. Even if I say it?s ok if he sleeps with someone else while we?re together, he feels he is betraying and hurting me and his attachment won?t let him do that. It creates conflict within himself. And if I?m honest with myself, my attachment means I am hurt and feel betrayed if he sleeps with someone else even if I rationalized that I can understand why it?s something he wants right now and that I could ?live with it? in exchange for my own freedom and lack of commitment to him. It creates conflict within myself.

Fuck.

I don?t know what to do. I still don?t want to drop back down to looking for just another casual emotionless fling. I?m still not in a position to embark on anything with longterm intentions. I don?t want to be alone either.

As per my theory, it seems people who try open relationships tend to have attachment issues. I know I have attachment issues and don?t know that I?ve ever experienced ?healthy attachment?. I?m working on it but since I don?t know what it feels like I?m likely to keep making mistakes. I also fit the educated over-analytical?type who can talk herself into thinking she?s made sense of an emotionally driven situation. ?I would say ?at least I?m conscious of it? but I also think I?m ?too smart for my own good?.

Hard truths are hard.

??

* Disclaimer: I don?t in any way mean to say open relationships are wrong or evil or delinquent. People need to work through their worlds and do what they think is best. I don?t think they work but sometimes the only way to learn such things is to try.

Source: http://postmodsingle.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/hard-truths-and-open-fail/

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